Money is deeply personal, tied to our histories, childhoods, fears, and dreams of success. For most couples, combining finances eventually becomes both necessary and desirable. The key to successfully merging finances in a way that respects each person and allows you to move ahead together is good communication.

Money taps into many emotions with the potential to be negative, such as stress, fear, and shame. It’s also often a core part of our early relationships with our parents and how we navigate adulthood. All of these can be stumbling blocks when trying to discuss finances constructively. It helps to have a framework that allows for the respect, space, and kindness you strive for in other areas of your relationship.

Be Curious, But Not Judgmental

It’s never too late to start talking about money in your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together. However, it’s a priority to approach the topic with curiosity and care rather than from a judgmental point of view. Since every person forms their own beliefs and biases around money from a very young age , you must practice empathy to get on the same financial page.

Ask questions, listen carefully, and avoid immediately looking for solutions. Here are a few questions to start the conversation:

• “What did you observe about money growing up? How did your family view/feel about money?” This helps clarify existing habits and beliefs, which is essential for moving toward more constructive, in-depth conversations.
• “If we received $10 million tomorrow, what would be the first thing you’d do with the money? What would life look like a year from now?” This question helps you think big-picture and get to the root of your goals and desires with money.
• “What’s one thing you would change about the way we manage our money?” This sets a baseline for your current situation and gives both partners a chance to share concerns so you can start working toward a common solution.
• “What would you like money to do for us that we haven’t done yet?” This is a step down from the “dream scenario” question and helps create more tangible action items that you may be able to start immediately.

 Set Collaborative Goals

It’s crucial to set financial goals so you can put your money to work toward your life goals. The most important part is doing it together. These don’t have to be major life milestones; they could be as simple as setting a goal to review your spending once a month.

Once trust and comfort have been established, you may be able to tackle more difficult goals together, such as prioritizing paying down personal or student loan debt or improving a poor credit score. If your individual finances are already in good shape, you can work on life goals like saving for a dream home, a kids’ college education, or a retirement plan.

Setting goals together ensures buy-in from both sides. Each person gets to share their thoughts and opinions, allowing you to find common ground and begin working toward your goals together. It’s also important not to neglect individual financial goals. You might have a joint checking account for household spending and separate accounts for your individual spending. Having conversations about what you each value creates transparency, which helps ease potential concerns about how money is being used.

Make a Plan

After setting goals, you need a plan to reach them. Once you’ve highlighted key goals and action items, write them down using a pen and paper or a digital document. Don’t let your progress go to waste by failing to follow through. While your plan won’t be perfect and will require adjustments over time, it serves as a starting point to get you moving in the right direction.

Beyond the big goals, your money plan can include many things. It can outline financial responsibilities for the household, such as who manages investments, who pays the bills, or who reviews the spending. Though this may already be established, it’s worth checking together to ensure everyone is comfortable with their current “chores”.

The Takeaway

Talking about money is challenging, but maintaining a healthy mindset around money is essential for your relationship. Hidden fears and concerns can slowly take a toll, and conversations can bring them to light so you can resolve them together. Communication is vital in all aspects of a relationship, and it must extend to the financial side.

Would you like some tips on how to schedule and frame these money conversations to make them less stressful?